Eric Butterworth Metamorality: The Fifth Commandment

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12).

This commandment is a sentimental favorite. How good it is to see aged parents cared for and respected by their families. Every culture that has long survived has included in its religious or philosophic creeds some kind of teaching similar to the fifth commandment. Among the Jews it was a sacred duty, bound by law. In fact, in Exodus 21:17, it is clearly stated that one who curses his parents is to be put to death.

Against this backdrop Jesus' revolutionary concept is the more startling. For He said: "Call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven" (Matthew 23:9). And if that is not shocking enough. He said: "If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters . . . he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). No wonder Jesus was considered a dangerous rebel. It was rank heresy!

And yet Jesus said that He was not trying to destroy the law, but to fulfill it. As discussed in "The Second Commandment," it is not likely that He was suggesting abandonment of parents, for we have the example of His own tenderness toward His mother. George Lamsa, leading scholar in the Aramaic origins of the New Testament, says that the word hate as used here is a mistranslation, and that it should be put aside. Thus, Jesus does not destroy the spirit of the fifth commandment. He breaks it down to its basic essence to reveal new and far-reaching implications.

All the commandments evolve out of the basic "One." The Lord God is One! Every person lives in the One and is of the One. When we place too much emphasis on the role of parents, we make graven images of them. The "god-father syndrome," which exists in most family relationships in a greater or lesser degree, is too often stifling of individuality and personal development. One may be born into a family where the chief training is based on family unity, respect for elders, attachment to brothers and sisters, and "blood is thicker than water." He may be so conditioned to this system that he matures and lives out his whole life never daring to think that his own unfoldment as a person has any place in the scheme of things. Or if he does secretly hunger for knowledge of his divine identity, he may be filled with pangs of guilt.

Jesus was saying that if you are so attached to your parents or to your own offspring that you let them stand in the way of your soul unfoldment, then you are not worthy of the creative flow. Honor your mother and father and your whole family relationship by freeing each person to his own experience, and accept that freedom for yourself.

The word honor may become a cliché. To honor your parents in a perfunctory manner may create a facade that covers many less-than-honorable feelings. Thus honor is an anemic word, similar to the word tolerance. Tolerance of people has been called a Christian duty. It implies a grin-and-bear-it kind of cordiality, even if there are strong dislikes. So the traditional approach to religion is, “Keep the commandments." They are your parents so you must honor them, send them cards for birthdays and anniversaries, and occasionally "pay the old folks a visit."

Consider the paradox of Mother's Day. Even if there may be little communication through the year, or if there are smoldering feelings of resentment for the psychological scars we are carrying, which we are certain are the result of parental mistreatment in the early years . . . despite all this, on this one day we send the card and special gift, place the long-distance phone call, or pay the visit. One day honoring and praising and feting this "mother o' mine." And then back to 364 days of indifference and neglect. Why not turn it all around? Why not have an annual "hate your mother day"? On this one day write a letter or make a phone call and get all the frustrated feelings out in the open. And then spend the remaining days of the year treating this person humanely and respectfully. We are joking; but not entirely so. What we are saying is . . . if you are going to keep the fifth commandment, then keep it sincerely and not just by means of an occasional greeting card.

The word honor comes from the Hebrew root word kabad, which literally means "burdensome." The commandment really says, "Accept the burden of your father and mother." But this needs to be broken down further, for if you deal with your parents in this consciousness, there may be much hidden frustration and bitterness. This might give rise to feelings of guilt on the part of the offspring, and also to unreasonable demands on the part of the parents: "I am your mother. You owe me respect and support. I brought you into the world, and don't you ever forget it!"

"Call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father. . . . " You are a spiritual being, and the divine tie always transcends the blood tie. You will never be able to fit into any human relationship, whether father, mother, sister, or brother, until you can see yourself as first, last, and always a child of God, centered in your own divine flow. The "burden" is that you are heavy with child . . . the Christ of your being, the whole creature that you are created ultimately to become. Within you is the unborn possibility of limitless experience, and yours is the privilege and responsibility of giving birth to it.

The fifth commandment, then, tells us to respect ourselves . . . accept the burden of the Christ child within, and let it unfold our experience, that God, the true father-mother parenting process within us, may do its nurturing work. And we have a responsibility, not just the freedom, to let nothing stand in the way of this un-foldment. As Meister Eckhart might put it, "No matter what the relationship, your first loyalty must be to the divine flow within . . . and to let God be God in you."

In his Cocktail Party, T. S. Eliot characterizes the plight of so many homes that are established by two people who have no sense of the divine flow:

They do not repine;
Are contented with the morning that separates
And with the evening that brings together
For casual talks before the fire
Two people who know they do not understand each other,
Breeding children whom they do not understand
And who will never understand them.

It is a great mistake to teach children to respect their parents at all costs. "After all, he is your father . . ." For if the child is forced to respect someone who is not worthy of respect, he will eventually lose respect for himself. The child must be led to accept the "burden" of his own divine potential. If he accepts and respects himself as an integral part of the divine flow, he will naturally have love and understanding for his parents. But it will be a mature love based on the honest recognition of failings and the willingness to understand how they have come about.

Out of a sense of personal insecurity parents often hunger for a glorified parental role. Then they may seek a sense of personal significance in being the center of attention and the seat of authority. A young mother may talk of "making a baby," which can lead to possessiveness with the children . . . and guilt and frustration if the child does not turn out to be whole physically . . . or even morally. All prospective parents should read Kahlil Gibran's excellent treatise "On Children" in his classic book, The Prophet. He says: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Emerson touches on a point of balance when he says that one should not be too much a parent. Not that the child should grow up without direction or discipline, but that the discipline should encourage him to become who he is, to develop in the way that is more natural to his uniqueness. All too often the proud parent is not content to have the child grow up in conformity with his natural bent, so he projects his own desire for glory into the child.

Instead of keeping the fifth commandment in its static sentimental form, we need to break it down to the idea of honoring the father-mother principle within every person, and the importance of respecting the unfolding process of divine sonship. It becomes a commandment that is more applicable to the fathers and mothers than to their offspring. Instead of insisting on respect for his children, the parent will be more concerned that the child develops a healthy respect for himself. The parent will not demand special homage because the child happens to be born of his seed, or because he is supported. Why should the parent demand gratitude from his children because he is caring for them in the way that all living creatures do for their offspring? If they respect him, he should want that respect for human reasons, not just filial. He should be more concerned about respecting their individuality, honoring their privacy, and encouraging their intellectual and spiritual growth. A good parent should be mature enough so that his first concern should not be that his children like him, but that they like what God intends them to be as persons. And certainly, if the children recognize and appreciate this attitude on the part of their parents, the parents can feel secure that the children will respect and love them as persons . . . and honor them as parents.

Often, in the face of some delinquency or depravity among young people, there will be a great call for "moral values," and for old-fashioned virtues of respect for elders. It is disturbing to many persons to note how the traditional values of honor and respect for parents and elders are being rejected by the younger generation. The fifth commandment is being questioned . . . and broken. However, the need is not for morality, but for metamorality, not just for the facade of respect of elders by the young, but for a more universal insight into the divine parenting process within all persons. When there is a greater respect for spiritual law, a greater awareness that all persons are one with the One, and one in the One, then there will be a universal respect for self and for the divine flow in the self. Parents will respect themselves and their children, and children will respect themselves and their parents. Parents, as wise stewards, will seek to make themselves progressively unnecessary. And the young will seek to get and keep in their own creative flow. In this way they will come to a behavior that is acceptable not by conforming to values that are set for them, but rather by being transformed by the renewal of their minds.

This leads to another more subtle meaning of the fifth commandment. It involves the acceptance of personal responsibility for your life. What you think and say and do today will have a profound influence on what you will one day become. In the same sense, we could trace many influences in years past that have molded and shaped your growth and unfoldment to where you are today. A speaker once addressed a high school assembly on the subject "Be Good to Your Old Man!" The students were expecting some trite Sunday school moralizing. Instead, the talk turned out to be something entirely different, an insight that made a lifelong impression on those youthful listeners. What the man said was, "Be careful what patterns you form today in thought and act, for it will have much to do with the person you will become in later years." The "old man" is the person who will evolve out of the person you now are. The child is the parent of the adult.

You may say, "You have touched on my problem, for how can I honor my father and mother when my life has been ruined by the rejection and mistreatment I had as a child?" It is true that these early relationships, the absence of affection, the critical abuse, and the hostility between your parents had a strong formative influence on your unfoldment. However, even if your parents have long since passed on, there is much that you can do today. You can love them and forgive them.

"They do not deserve my love!" you may say. But that is not the point. Don't you deserve it? You need to be in the flow of love constantly. This is why Jesus says: "Love your enemies . . . that you may be sons of your Father . . ." (Matthew 5:44). In other words, wherever there is enmity or unforgiveness, love, so that you can get your-self in tune with the creative process of God. For the thoughts you entertain today, even if they pertain to something that happened long ago, are, in fact, setting up causes for that which will happen tomorrow and tomorrow.

But how, you may object, can you be held accountable for things your parents did to you in your childhood? You were too young to take charge of your own mind and emotions. True . . . but they were your mind and your emotions. And you were hurt because you were hurt-able. However, the resulting state of your mind that has harassed you through the years has not been all bad. Many successes and achievements have been the result of your attempt to overcompensate for your insecurity or inadequacy. You have been led to explore paths of growth that you might not otherwise have experienced. And, even more, it is likely that something in your own soul attracted your parents and the very kind of treatment to which you were subjected.

Now, that is all past. You cannot change it. But you can take charge of your life today and control what all these things do to you in your present experience. First of all, you must forgive all those who you feel have hurt you, neglected you, or in any way frustrated your good. More, you must forgive yourself, that little child who is the parent of the one you have become today. It has all come to pass . . . let it go. Open the way now for all things to work together for good, even if the "good" is the painful challenges that have forced you to grow. Growth is what life is about. Be grateful.

You may say, "What about all those wasted years of bitterness, and loneliness?" There is no way you can have them back to live over. But you can be free from their burden. The prophet Joel said: "I will restore to you the years which the swarming locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25). The word restore comes from the Hebrew word buwsh, which literally means to heal, to make new. When you honor or accept the burden of your parents, you are set free from the limitations of the past. You are free from the sense of "wasted years." Because they are significant years of growth, you are free from resentment, free to take the best and leave the rest, free to walk on.

One young man, whose relationships with his mother through all the formative years of his life had been extremely negative, has come to a very self-honest realization. Though he had been "pounded on" for years with the psychological blows of criticism and belittlement amid tantrums of crying and screaming, he has survived and matured. He has admitted to himself that his ambition and creative drive have been the constant attempt to prove that he is not as unworthy as his mother's treatment had made him feel. So today he reflects, "What my mother did to me has had a profound influence on what I have done to and for myself. And, quite frankly, I like what I have become, so I am truly grateful to my mother." Today, he has his own family, and maturity has brought understanding. He now can honestly keep the fifth commandment.

Another side of this coin of taking responsibility for your life is the awareness that those things that you establish in consciousness today are the patterns that will unfold themselves in the years to come. To "honor your father and your mother" also means to accept the burden of your present state of consciousness that is the parent of what you will become in the years ahead.

Keep your thoughts wholly on God, on Truth, on those things that you want to see manifest in your life. When you think or speak or act in negative ways, you are mortgaging your future. Your present attitudes and feelings, no matter that you may blame them on what someone else is doing or saying about you, are creating the conditions that make the results inevitable. Choose your moods, choose your thoughts, choose to keep yourself in perfect peace. This is to honor your father and mother.

One of the most limiting ways that we lay traps for ourselves, or mortgage our future, is in making or taking vows. If you impetuously proclaim, "I will never speak to him again as long as I live," you are limiting your future experience to your present low state of consciousness. Usually one comes to regret such a vow. Either you will break it with a sense of weakness of character or hold to it stoically, feeling trapped by a regrettable decision.

An alcoholic may vow never to take another drink. How easily that vow is broken, reducing his already low self-esteem. How much better to take the vow for one day only, to live and work in "day-tight compartments." At the end of the day he can have the satisfaction of accomplishment, and then can progress for another day. Even if he fails, he can pick himself up and plunge into the promise of the new day to come.

Many churches require vows to keep certain tenets of the faith, such as the Ten Commandments. Actually, if a person works at his religion as a practice of living principles, he will grow in understanding of himself and of life. He cannot go on holding the same views as the years pass. How much better for the sincere student of any spiritual philosophy to commit himself to the practice of Truth that is "open-ended" in scope. He must keep his mind open and his heart receptive to the constancy of change. This is to honor the "father-mother principle" that forever works within him, and to be good to the "old man," the unfolding process of what he will eventually become.

In the Leviticus [should be Deuteronomy 5:16] version of the Ten Commandments, the fifth commandment adds the phrase ". . . that it may go well with you." Honor and respect the process at work in the parenting principle of the mind, and it will go well with you, "your days will be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you." It is the assurance of abundance that follows in the wake of the harmonious application of divine law. Jesus summed it up when He said: "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well" (Matthew 6:33).